"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Randomize
