I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
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