I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
