so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
