did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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