I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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