Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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