Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
