I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
