just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
