I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
