I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
