I want to walk on stilts...naked
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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