can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
