I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
