hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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