so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
the condom got lost in my hair
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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