i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my sisters under your porch take her home
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
