Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
so much tequila, so little girl.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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