So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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