Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
