I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
