I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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