I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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