Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
