Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
