I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
