Betty ford says i'm here all night
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
