If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
