Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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