I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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