All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
MIDGETS
????
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Randomize
