he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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