I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
