John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
