First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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