I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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