Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
