We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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