if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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