Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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