is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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