Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
