dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
