I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Hippo gnu deer
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
