I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
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would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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