You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
