i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
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that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
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Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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