My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
