I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
