the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You took a bar mat shot.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
