Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
