did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
