when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
