How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
how does that bad decision feel?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
