I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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