So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
