I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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